“But It’s Real Love!” Understanding the Affair Fog

One of the hardest things a betrayed partner hears is: “This is real love. My affair partner is my soulmate.”

In the rawness of betrayal, these words cut deeply. The betrayed spouse often tries desperately to argue: “It’s just a fantasy. You’re in the affair fog.” But here’s the truth: trying to convince your unfaithful partner rarely works.

Why arguing doesn’t help

When someone is in the midst of an affair, their mind is clouded by distorted thinking. Their “truth” is shaped by intense feelings, ego boosts, and escape from reality. To them, it feels real. Any attempt to argue otherwise is usually ignored, minimised, or even attacked.

What you can control

Instead of exhausting yourself trying to change their mind, shift your focus to what you can control. Your healing. Your boundaries. Your self-care.

The unfaithful partner’s realisation that their “soulmate love” was built on shaky, broken ground often comes only later, once the affair has ended and they’ve had time for honest self-reflection.

The path forward

Healing after infidelity requires both partners to see reality clearly. For the unfaithful, that means stepping out of denial, taking responsibility, and beginning the real work of repair. For the betrayed, it means resisting the urge to fight against the fog, and instead, reclaiming your strength and focusing on your own recovery.

Remember: the truth always surfaces in time. Your power lies not in persuading, but in how you choose to take care of yourself during this storm.