Health Relationships: The importance of Tolerance

All relationships go through difficulties from time to time. Perhaps you’ve been renovating your house, or are in the midst of relocating, and one’s unhappy about it or it’s led to tensions. Perhaps you have added to your family (or suffered a bereavement or other loss), and the differences in your grief experiences have driven a wedge between you and your partner/husband or wife. Or it could be stress from raising a children, or one with a disability or a teenager or adult child with a drug or alcohol addiction; or a parent who’s suddenly needing a lot of extra care. Or maybe nothing’s outwardly changed, but the relationship is getting ‘snipey’. Learn the value of tolerance in relationships, no matter what’s going on — and why tolerance is so important to a healthy marriage. Theme: Healthy marriage vs a toxic marriage. Reading: 3 mins.

Healthy Relationships: The Importance of Tolerance in Your Marriage

Quality marriages sometimes take focus and input — it’s a bit like exercising. If the relationship lacks attention, or starts to become riddled with intolerance and criticisms; the relationship can become toxic.

It can take some focus, attention and input to get your marriage back on track and back to love. But the payoffs of working together on your relationship are well worth it, in terms of creating a healthy marriage and happier relationship dynamic versus continuing in a marriage that is uncomfortable or even toxic.

How to tell a toxic marriage from a healthy one — what happens when we lose tolerance in our relationships?

Losing tolerance in a marriage is a sign you’ve lost patience; and when you’ve lost patience; it’s a sign the relationship’s suffering or headed for trouble.

I will talk about respect and tolerance, further below, but first, let’s put this into context. And that context is the human marriage – it’s not all a bed of roses, but if it’s feeling like a bed of thorns, get help.

Don’t expect everything to be perfect all the time.
But DO pay attention and put more focus on your behaviour in the marriage when it starts becoming unsettled, and when you find you’re becoming short and intolerant, beware.

Intolerance is an early sign the marriage is starting to turn toxic (unhealthy) versus healthy. It’s a sign of disrespect.

I’ll give you some tips, below, about tolerance and patience.

However, if you’re marriage is really struggling, it’s a good idea to get some blame-free counselling, or discreet marriage therapy, with a view towards healing your marriage.
Certainly marriage counselling takes time and energy, and comes at a cost.
But the huge financial costs and high emotional costs of a divorce — and/or of continuing on as is, with high levels of anxiety or depression over the state of your relationship — takes a much higher toll.
And no one wants to live with a husband or wife who is intolerant and critical…it’s soul destroying!

As a Couple’s Coach in Melbourne, I’ve helped thousands of couples in crisis, to heal and repair their marriages. So in today’s “Save Your Marriage” tips blog, I will list some crucial marriage counselling tips….the foremost being the importance of nurturing tolerance in your marriage.

I cannot emphasise enough that if you, or your partner, is lacking tolerance, professional help is usually essential. That’s because these viewpoints become strongly ingrained very quickly in the relationship; and cause a lot of damage.

The earlier you seek help, when you recognise something’s wrong, the better, and the less therapy you’ll likely need. Get help fast – Book Your Call With Me).

But first, read on to discover how intolerance can destroy your marriage. And, learn what you can do to improve your relationship quality (and well-being) by learning the value of tolerance in your relationship(s).

Healthy vs Unhealthy Relationships: Tolerance vs Intolerance

Why is TOLERANCE in a relationship so CRUCIAL to saving your marriage, when it’s on the rocks?

Tolerance vs Intolerance and Personal Relationship Happiness: Saving Your Marriage

Pain in relationships is common; unfortunately; but we’re all human. In my relationship counselling programs and videos, I cover common relationship scenarios that can lead to painful relationships that have a very high chance of ending in separation or divorce.

Remember, no matter how painful our relationships get, divorce is also a painful experience.
If you CAN save your marriage, with the exception of the relatively moderate cost of an expert couples therapist, there is very little to lose in exploring and immersing yourselves in good, sound marriage counselling before you pull the plug.

Tips to Save Your Marriage or Significant Relationship | First, do your homework and evaluate your perspectives

Before you confront your partner about a separation or file for divorce, please read my books and/or watch my relationship counselling videos.
These helpful books (in print) and videos can guide you to assess whether or not separating or divorcing is really your best option.
They may also open your eyes to possibilities you have never thought of, and why marriages get into strife (and how to heal and resolve those difficult issues like infidelity etc)

With a few sessions of expert counselling between two highly motivated partners, most (but not all) relationships can be saved.

And what if you’re simply totally unsuited to be life long partners?
At least these books and videos will help you better understand yourselves, and each other, with more compassion.
And more compassion, and understanding, are key components of a healthy relationships — or in worst case scenarios (and rare if you get the right help at the right time) — a less traumatic parting.

From a recent MEDIA release:

Hello, here I am again, its Dee here. I’m here as your couples coach and psychologist, with a practice based in Melbourne, Victoria – but I also help couples across Australia, and globally via Skype, Zoom, Facebook or Facetime. Today I’m talking about healthy vs unhealthy relationships and the value of tolerance.

Signs of Respect vs Disrespect in a Relationship

Respect is crucial for relationship survival. This includes a healthy dose of tolerance, empathy and compassion.

In talking about respect, I’m also including the other words and actions which erode and diminish respect. Certainly no two partners are identical in their thinking, values or actions. But it’s how partners handle differences that makes or breaks the relationship. At what stage do reactions to differences between the two of you, start to devalue one of you, and lead to intolerance or condescending put downs?

Words and Actions of Respect vs Disrespect

Two key mandatory concepts for a successful relationship include relationship trust, which I recently spoke about in one of my media programs; and patience.

Or to be more correct, the thing that causes the most relationship problems is actually a lack of patience (e.g., impatience) and distrust or disdain.

Tolerance vs Intolerance in a Relationship Breakdown

We went through all of that in the last three case study examples, where I highlighted some relationships in trouble.

Today, I’m going to go touch on tolerance. Intolerance and tolerance.

And, what it is that happens to a relationship, what enters a relationship, at the point where we become increasingly intolerant?

People voice their intolerance. We voice that intolerance, because we believe it’s an okay thing to be able to say, ‘I feel.’

I feel this, I feel that, and that’s true, it is. It’s a very important part.

So if you’re thinking, well it’s okay. that I have a different feeling and I don’t agree with my partner’s view, that’s different, very different from being intolerant or irritable and arcing up over it, or saying something nasty or accusatory, and in couples in relationships that is the common reaction that happens and particularly where couples fall apart.

Dismissiveness in relationships is NOT okay! Do something FAST – connect with me Book Your Call With Me

Dismissiveness is dangerous. Dismissiveness leads to resentment, cheating, and/or divorce.

Dismissiveness will erode loving feelings between a couple.

It shows major disrespect for the person’s feelings, values and beliefs.

Even if you don’t agree with someone, you need mutual respect and understanding of the other person’s point of view, including their feelings and reactions. To dismiss this is disrespectful, and disrespect in a relationship is definitely grounds that feed into separation and divorce.

If you’re prone to, or leaning towards, saying what you think in an accusatory or dismissive way, like you know better or more, well….

Let me emphasise : That intolerance is going to bring your relationship down.

A relationship cannot withstand dismissiveness; because we’re humans, and as humans, we’re all looking for reassurance, support and comfort.

How in the heck does an intolerant statement of, “I’ve gotta say what I think” in a hostile, accusatory way help?

So what else would you say? How else would you handle that? And that’s the topic here.

Is your partner feeling special – or do they feel their concerns and feelings have been dismissed?

Well to handle this better, it’s more about thinking about how is my loved one, my husband, my wife, my special partner in life, feeling about this. Do I need – N-E-E-D – need to take a hostile accusatory position on this? How is that actually going to play out in the long run for us? Now I say that because so much does not play out well in the long run for couples, because they don’t think about the long run. They think about the now urgent moment and being right.

Relationship Breakdowns and Respect: The immediate moment of what they say is most important.

And what it does is bring your relationship down. Because weighing up what is important, most important, is your critical factor for a relationship to not just survive but to thrive. Knowing and being aware of constantly, what is important and at the end of the day if you’re both in a similar alignment with what’s important, what will be important, so you’ll be okay.

You’re not okay, and it is not okay, as you’ve noticed I say that quite a lot. What is okay and what’s not okay? It’s not okay if you want your relationship to survive and thrive if you are tossing out accusatory statements of intolerance. Now if you truly have something in your partner’s behaviour or functionality that you cannot tolerate, well it’s a better way if you could sit down and say, “Well this really distresses me can we look at it?”

Reassurance in Relationships and Marriages

All healthy relationships need reassurance around times of differences and upsets.

Rather than knee jerk hostile accusatory statements batted back at your partner to make him or her feel really bad or make them feel isolated or definitely not reassured there is another choice of words and attitude you can make. Otherwise, in that moment, neither of you are feeling reassured, so reassurance is really the key ingredient. I talk about the secret sauce in a lot of my relationship training and that’s all about camaraderie – this is another topic for another day.

Reassurance provides comfort and the feeling of being emotionally secure.

Feeling that we’re not breaking up, we won’t break up, we can get on the same page, here. We care and respect each other enough to go well, it’s okay, it doesn’t matter, if you’ve got a different view that’s all right too and I’ll listen to it. Or, that’s okay if you feel like that but somehow or other I don’t feel good about that. So if you don’t feel good about it your partner’s not going to feel good either.

Differences of Opinion in a Healthy Relationship vs an Unhealthy Relationship

So it’s about knowing what’s okay and what’s not okay in a relationship. We all have differences of opinion and different tolerances. However where one partner is more likely to arc up and be much more volatile and intolerant, it’s a recipe for disaster. Relationships do not vary so much that they can withstand this intolerance, there’s a really minimal chance of survival let alone thriving. You can’t thrive if you’re on the edge of your seat all the time waiting for the arc up from an intolerant partner.

So you if you are the intolerant partner watching this, this is a good lesson here.

Maybe it’s time to stop and have a think about what you actually want.

What’s your focus when you are intolerant? Is it really necessary to be arcing up like that or is it better that you take that pause and that breath and go alright, how important is this in the scheme of things?

Social Media, Culture and the Growing Intolerance in our Communities

We are in a culture these days where we can be intolerant of many more things than we would have ever thought we would be. It’s no surprise that this is because the media, social media, our emails, the world at large is heightening our awareness and drawing our attention to the behaviours of others around us. We’ve got a much more acute awareness of what we are not tolerant of and that’s not playing out well for us in a relationship.

Now today I had a chat with a couple of colleagues and we were talking intolerance around maintaining kitchen hygiene, maintaining the bathroom where the towels need to be put back on the rack this way or that way. It’s these “house rules” often imposed by one partner and resisted by the other partner that can also bring relationships down and if you’re reading this you probably know that. You know all the different things that are bringing your relationship down because you might be right in the thick of it. And what does that mean in the long run? Is it ridiculous, is it trivial? Yes, it is ridiculous if you want a wholesome, deep meaningful relationship, that kind of stuff has to go. I call that “stuff and nonsense”. That’s right, it’s not okay. I’ve come back to okay, not okay. So on that note, I’m going to leave it here. I’m going to say goodbye from me and sign off. I hope that’s left an impression, food for thought.

WATCH MY VIDEOS now. Save your Marriage – Tolerance vs Intolerance that leads to divorce

Please subscribe to my SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE Youtube video channel: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCMLozWWel0HB2zQPeWhbfWA

I can help you repair your relationship BEFORE intolerance leads to your painful divorce.

Marriage Counselling by one of the most experienced Relationship Counsellors in Melbourne, Psychologist Dee Tozer.

Don’t let that be you! Don’t hesitate – connect with me!

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Dee Tozer, Couples Coach

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