Perhaps your marriage is on the verge of a divorce. Or you’re desperately hoping to avoid a separation that your husband or wife is insisting upon. You may be otherwise formally separated, in the process of separating, or living in two separate bedrooms (or houses) on the same property.
Perhaps one of you is coming and going to the ‘family home’ from a different location, one or both of you is unsure which steps to take next.

Is divorce the right answer?

And if you are leaning toward yes, what will a divorce achieve?
This is the critical question that can rarely be answered in advance – what you think it will achieve is often very far from the reality of what happens.

Will divorce help, or will one or both partners end up with divorce remorse after the heartache impact and distress from legal battles, huge asset loss and high lawyer fees?

While I can’t answer the question for every couple as to whether or not they’ll be happier or more settled with their lives after a separation or divorce, I’ve seen a lot of couples run to a divorce lawyer long before they investigate what the real problems are in their relationship or marriage and make any guided attempt to repair.

History repeats itself, which is why second marriages fail at even higher rates than first marriages.

  • These individuals often get married again in a few year’s time, and find the same issues rear their head again.
  • The fact is, often marriage difficulties repeat themselves in future marriages.
  • That’s because neither person in the couple has done the self-awareness work they needed to, in order to understand where their growth areas are and how to become a positive, supportive partner who has a smooth and loving marriage.

This does not apply to all marriages and not to all partners of course, but, often more than most people care to admit, a divorce lawyer is the ‘go to’ for marriage problems. Even though the cost of a divorce — emotionally, socially and financially — is at least 30 x or higher than the cost of a good marriage counsellor who might be able to help you heal your marriage and ‘bring you back to love’ (loving each other in a healthy and intimate relationship dynamic).

Do people who really want a divorce know what they’re getting into?

If both people in a relationship or marriage:

  • agree to separate amicably as they’ve grown in very different directions, and/or
  • are both happy to move in new directions, because they have lifestyle differences they simply can’t work around

Then sometimes there’s no remorse after a divorce.

The reality of divorce is, however, that many people find themselves surprised at how much ‘divorce remorse’ occurs when they make the split, especially if they really haven’t worked that hard on trying to save their marriage.

But identifying which couples will fare better if they call it quits — and which couples will wish they’d never taken the road of separation and divorce — is a very complex relationship dynamic, and not easily simplified into words.

Is Divorce Remorse really a thing? What really happens after couples divorce?

What I do know, as a marriage counsellor and Couples Coach to elite couples in Melbourne, Toorak, South Yarra and the Bayside area, is that divorce remorse is something most couples are keen to avoid — because they’ve seen it in their friends.  And likely, they’ve seen it more than once.
Who doesn’t have at least one friend, who left his or her husband or wife (possibly for someone else, far younger or less well known), and ended up remorseful about the divorce?
Who doesn’t have at least one friend who left their marriage, later tried to get their partner back after a separation, and failed?
The reason ‘divorce remorse’ arises in so many couples after they split, is often that they really didn’t understand how disruptive a divorce can be to their psychological, physical, social and emotional well being, their routines, children and family structures, even their pets — and of course, their financial well-being overall.
While divorce is a solution to some marital incompatibilities that cannot seemingly be resolved (such as a very controlling partner or an abusive partner), divorce remorse is something that can occur in couples who don’t try to work through their marital issues and who turn to divorce lawyers before they have a full grasp on what went right — and wrong — in their marriages. Before they even attempted Couples therapy.

So what is divorce remorse?

Divorce remorse means the pain of making a significantly disruptive de-stabilizing change in a relationship, when the relationship/marriage could have actually been healed and repaired, and brought back to love.

Divorce remorse involves a variety of dynamics, including:

  • heartbreak
  • family break-ups and child custody challenges or legal custody battles
  • loss of security of the family home / loss of steady family life for everyone involved — the partners, the kids, the pets, the inlaws and the schoolmates — it all becomes disrupted
  • legal battles over finances, custody, business venture ownership ratios and the like (lawyers fan the flames — they don’t support you!)
  • severe financial loss – often never recovered from by either partner

Lawyers fan the flames of hatred between a couple. They have a vested interest in dragging out the settlement, and billing high lawyer fees, while you and your partner end up with more, not less, emotional stress and animosity from the process. Plus less not more from a financial settlement….it’s so destructive. How sad that people see a divorce lawyer long before a counsellor who would have had a good chance of helping repair the breakdown.

What if you still have deep feelings for each other?

Even if you can’t seem to access those deep feelings for each other; other than feelings of immediate anger or temporary hatred for each other due to unresolved conflicts and disappointments, there’s still a chance to save your marriage — and it’s a way stronger chance than you might think.

Plus it’s important to know that anger is much easier to work with than apathy, but only if the person who is angry is willing to own up to their anger, and willing to genuinely resolve the feelings underneath, with the support of a professional Couples Coach. What’s more difficult, but still not impossible, is to heal a marriage when one person has ‘already checked out’ and left the building. Healing can be done, but the earlier in the marriage you get help, the better the potential outcome in terms of reducing animosity, legal battles, business ownership breakups and custody disputes.

  • What if all of the above could have been avoided?
  • And a stronger marriage grown out of pain, hostility and heartache?
Over and over again I see couples who want to repair their marriages:
  • after they have commenced the legal process
  • after they have separated
  • after they have inflicted great pain on each other
  • after they have realized they just didn’t know how to BE together

When faced with the stark reality of the pains of separation and disruption, they finally put their pride, anger and hurt aside and come along with openness to learn how to live a relationship that thrives.

And I can’t help but think how much of the disruption could have been avoided if they’d sought healing and relationship repair with me before they made their splits, or started an affair, or refused to give up to see if their marriage could be saved.

Marriage Termination – Terminate, or Germinate?

Should I get a divorce? Is divorce the right answer? Should we give separation a try?

  • It’s not always easy to know if you should get a divorce or not.
  • Especially when we live in a society where we see marriages as ‘throw away marriages’ or ‘disposable relationships.’
But before you rush to the expense, turmoil and animosity of a serious divorce proceeding, call me to find out if I can help you repair your marriage, or reduce the animosity and breakdowns between you and your husband or wife.
Book your call here 
It’s a FREE call to see if I can help. Don’t wait in misery any longer. Pick up the phone- take that all important first step. I don’t bite.
With specific Couple Coaching, I can help you and your partner answer the following questions:
  • What is there to gain by marriage termination, divorce?
  • What is there to lose by marriage termination, divorce?
  • Can you really get this marriage ‘back to love’? And if so, what is realistic in terms of the time and energy it might take?
  • Or has one partner well-and-truly really checked out — is it actually really too late or not?
  • What is there to gain by embracing Couples Therapy?
  • What is there to lose by embracing Couples Therapy?

What is there to gain by immersing in an expertly guided marriage repair process?

What is there to lose?……..only time …a brief amount of time at that ….months not years.
And a moderate investment which is significantly less than combined legal fees and the asset split.
Call me if you’re marriage is in trouble, or if one of you has had an affair (or both) and you’re trying to repair the fall-out and the damage in trust.
I help couples with blame-free marital therapy style in a private, discreet counselling setting where couples feel relaxed and supported as they work through the difficulties in their marriages.
Specialising in couples in crisis and high-profile couples on the verge of separation and divorce, as well as relationship recovery after infidelity.

Book Your Call With Me

Details are on this page.If you are struggling through a relationship crisis then don’t let the pain and disconnection drag on any more.

Make contact and get help right away.

Suggested reading: Does an affair or cheating mean the end of the relationship? Does cheating lead to divorce?

In an urgent marital crisis? On the brink of a separation or divorce? Book Your Call With Me Now

WARNING!!!! – What’s the worst that will happen if you don’t call me?

Can’t get to the Bayside suburbs of Melbourne (Brighton area) for marriage counselling?

International assistance through online sessions using Skype, Facetime, WhatsApp or Zoom or in-person marriage counselling sessions in Australia (Melbourne based).

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Thanks for reading, and I look forward to helping facilitate your relationship healing (repair and recovery).