Valentine’s Day Breakups – Why do so many relationships seem to end around Valentine’s Day, and other holidays even including Easter?
Holidays often come with expectations. These expectations may relate to gifts, special dinners, travelling or romantic gestures. But often, people end up disappointed by what their partner does around these special days — or rather, what their partner DOESN’T do……and depending on the strength of the relationship at that point in time, that can sometimes be a tipping point.
Valentine’s Day breakups: Tipping Points in a Relationship
No doubt these sentiments sound all too familiar.
If you haven’t said them yourself, you’ll likely have heard them from a close friend, sibling or partner.
- “My loved one didn’t buy me a gift”, the disheartened person will say. “I didn’t get flowers or even a card!”
- “We went to a fast food restaurant for Valentine’s day. It was highly romantic – NOT!!”
- “My loved one was travelling and said they would make it up to me. But they never did. So I missed out on Valentine’s Day.
- “Not even a card!”
Are Valentine’s Day breakups potentially linked to expectations that aren’t met, which compound other frustrations in the relationship?
So many of the couples I help with relationship counselling, don’t celebrate Valentine’s Day.
Is that a coincidence?
Or do they generally dislike romance?
I think the answer is NO; it’s not a coincidence, nor do they dislike romance. Its indicative of the less-than-romantic nature of the relationship, and very likely something that at least one of the partner’s isn’t happy about. In other words, often one person in the relationship will say “Valentine’s day is so commercial – let’s not celebrate it!” Which often happens early in the relationship, setting a trend. But are both people in the relationship really happy about that ‘decision’? Typically, NO, not from what I’ve seen.
Plus, not celebrating your love on a romantic holiday — even if it is commercialised — isn’t necessarily a thing to gloat about. Not a badge of honour.
So many couples I help with couple’s master coaching (specialize expert marriage therapy or relationship counselling) don’t celebrate Valentine’s day. Or they once did, but it fell off over the years.
This bothers me because, as I see it, the lack of romance contributes to their relationship breakdown.
The same reasons for not celebrating Valentine’s Day are put forward by so many couples. They complain that it’s too commercial, it’s a fake or forced, it costs too much money, or it’s a fad.
Frequently couples tell me with great pride that they “don’t do Valentine’s” — like it’s a badge of honour that they don’t participate in honouring their love, honouring their partner and so on.
- Yet these same couples celebrate Christmas/Hanukkah/Ramadan or New Years Eve, Easter, Halloween and so on.
- They spend a lot of time and money on THOSE holiday events, even though they still describe them as commercial.
- When I ask if they celebrate their love some other way, they say “No” to that idea also.
Is a love not celebrated — a love that can lead to relationship troubles, a partner’s cheating, or the road to divorce? In my experience……YES.
Relationships DO need to be celebrated, honoured and respected. Your spouse DOES need to be celebrated, honoured and respected…….Appreciated, with gratitude. And depending on how people perceive loving gestures, it can be a making-or-breaking point in your marriage, often being ignored on Valentine’s Day is that last straw.
So not celebrating Valentine’s Day is a potential trouble spot? Well, I may be biassed but my answer is YES.
From all I’ve seen in my years of marriage counselling and relationship coaching, if a couple doesn’t celebrate Valentine’s Day in at least SOME way, and in a way that suits BOTH PARTNERS (not just one), it’s a potential sign of future fragmentation in the relationship.
My point is that love needs to be nurtured and nourished.
Otherwise it withers up and dies….as does the relationship, often a slow and painful death.
Not acknowledging, or even denying, the love we had at the beginning of our primary relationship and marriage is tantamount to setting yourself up for a marital breakdown / marriage failure. You know, that highly destructive, painful and destabilising road to divorce. Or a lifetime of bickering and resentment. Some of which could have been avoided if at the most minimal level you’d only put aside your judgments about the commercialisation of Valentine’s Day, and made quality romantic gestures for your loved one.
And no, a funny card alone is NOT exactly a gesture of significance. Neither is the fast-food place or your every-Friday night pub dinner.
Make it unique, make it special — sure, it’s hard to get a table. Be creative. Or schedule it for the day before or after. But DO schedule it, and make it a priority. Don’t let another holiday or Valentine’s Day slip by with your partner building resentment, or feeling they don’t matter enough to you.
Because when you fail to nurture your relation, affirm your partner’s value and show you care — they might start to look for that affirmation elsewhere.
So why not do all you can to keep the flame alive, to enjoy each other and have fun together?
Sadly, couples in troubled marriages don’t tend to focus on what’s great between them. Instead, they focus on the negatives, the complaints, the deficiencies, the control.
If that sounds like you, I can help you and your partner get back on track to repair the relationship and rekindle the flames that brought you together when you first began your relationship. It takes courage, kindness and acts of love — it takes commitment. But you can improve your relationship more readily than you probably think, because you don’t know what you don’t know – relationship blindspots (read that article).
And because the alternative — a loveless or hostile marriage or a painful and disruptive divorce — can be avoided for 90% or more of couples.* But so many don’t even try….they just head to the divorce courts, full of blame, victim-thinking and resentment.
*Based on my experience with thousands of couples who were willing to have their marriages work, and who sought professional relationship coaching to repair their relationships. They were able to find intimacy and loving feelings again, and establish an enduring, more harmonious marriage/significant relationship. Yes it took work, effort and time — but far less than many had realised, to get back to love.
Happy Valentine’s Day 2020 from Dee.
Valentine’s Day Breakups – find out how to avoid other common problems by reading my books and videos.
OR schedule a confidential call today to learn how I can help you and your partner get back to love!
WARNING!!! Will things get worse if you don’t take action now?
Perhaps you’d like to take a look at what the difference is between and Couples Coach Psychologist and a Marriage Counsellor or Couples Therapist – here is that blog https://www.deetozer.com/what-type-of-marriage-counsellor-is-best-couples/